Avoidance

I'm really good at avoiding things. Maybe it's the procrastinator in me, or my stubborn side. I also am not a fan of confrontation or conflict. 

Right now, I am avoiding people. Not just strangers. People I love. 

Life is super challenging right now for many reasons. I'll address the main reason on here because it's why I started this blog in the first place. I've had some major setbacks with my health over the past few months. My Angioedema (swelling) is out of control. My Urticaira (hives) are becoming more prevalent. Despite no change in daily medications or monthy immunoglobulin injections (Xolair), my symptoms seem to be reverting back to how they were in the beginning of this medical journey. This is beyond frustrating. Instead of moving towards remission, I seem to be going back to the worst part of this. 

I'm just over it. All of it. 

I usually take a 2 hour nap everyday after school. And then go back to sleep around 10 or 11. This makes it hard to want to do anything with friends after school or at night. I do watch Scandal and the Bachelor with two of my BFFs each week. That's the extent of my social life right now. And it's not for a lack of wanting to do things. It's because I'm too tired or just don't feel good. Or I feel hivey or swollen. 

And then there's the avoidance part of it. I'm so different (emotionally and physically) from the person I was before all of this started. I am so far from where I'd like to be that it's difficult to see people from my life "before" the unicorns. The people I work with and my mom have seen the slow progression of my condition. They probably could point out the differences in me, but seeing them so often is different than seeing church friends and babysitting friends. And let's be honest - I have to go to work. I love my job, my kindergarteners, and my coworkers. But I know the stress of work makes my condition worse. 

I am embarrassed, self-conscious, and disappointed. I wish things were different. When I see people that I don't see very often, I feel like they are judging me and not seeing my "invisible illness". Some days I wish it was an illness that people could see. I wish that people could "see" what I feel. The pain, the burning hives, and not to mention the many side effects of all my medications. 

These people that I don't see on an everyday basis also remind me of life before the unicorns. Things I used to do with them, places I used to go with them, and having fun with them make me sad. Sad that I'm not that person anymore. Angry at what the unicorns have stolen from me. It's not my friends' fault that I feel this way. It's not that they don't reach out. But when I keep saying that I can't do something, I feel bad that they keep asking and I can't do it. It hurts. And makes me not want to do anything at all. And my avoidance grows. And it grows until I avoid people that I would consider family. And then it gets to the point where I've broken the bridge and I don't know how to mend it to get back across. 

Two and a half years later and I'm not any closer to getting back to the person that I want (need) to be!

I've recently had an upper respiratory infection and a sinus/double ear infection. Feeling bad on top of feeling bad is terrible. And it's really hard to get kindergarteners to listen when you've lost your voice. This old school bell came in very handy over the past few weeks. 

And those sicknesses require more medicines and doctor visits to my already full basket of medications and my calendar of appointments. 

I don't know how to get over my avoidance issue. I don't know how to make it any easier. On me or the people I love.