The Anger is Real

Anger. It's sneaky and controlling. 

I wouldn't generally say that I'm an angry person. But lately things have been different. Anger has been getting the better of me. 

I'm angry. Angry at life. Angry at the unicorns. Angry about work stuff. Pretty much just flat out angry. I've had a good angry cry in the car, but even that isn't enough to shake this right now.

I'm mad that when I walk by a mirror or window, the reflection I see isn't what I expect to see. I don't want to be the person that I see. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to be fat. I'm mad that the unicorns have stolen my self image. I'm crushed that I have two closets and many bags of clothing that I long to be able to wear again. No matter how I try to forget about them and pack them up, they are a constant reminder of life before the unicorns. A life I would give up so much to be able to live again. 

I'm embarrassed when only a little bit of exercise causes me to sweat a lot and turn bright red. My body has a hard time regulating my temperature and that makes exercise hard. I want to go outside and go for a run or a bike ride. This part of life is only complicated more by my foot injury. Six weeks in the boot of shame and four weeks of physical therapy (and who knows how many more) and I can barely walk normally. The pain is beyond frustrating. The torn ligaments take a long time to heal. I'm mad that I can't do normal things. I'm not seeing the light at the end of this tunnel. Or the light at the end of any tunnel for that matter. 

After rejoining Weight Watchers a few months ago (it helped me lose the last 70 pounds of the 140 I lost prior to getting sick), I had high hopes for losing weight. I know that many of my medications make it difficult to lose weight, but I tried anyway. I lost about 10 pounds and was pretty proud of myself. I even had a few shirts that were a little loose. Between swelling and who knows what, I've gained the majority of those ten pounds back. Insert more anger here. A lot more anger. And frustration. 

I'm mad that unfamiliar situations cause me such stress and anxiety that I avoid them at all costs. No church, not much hanging out with friends, no babysitting, and no meeting new people. It's just easier to stay at home. Work is different because the majority of those people knew "original fat Katie", "skinny Katie", and now know "sick Katie". I don't have multiple personalities, just many phases of me. ;) My teacher friends have seen my daily struggle and it's easier for me to be around them. This part of my struggle opens up a whole new area for anger to enter. I'm hitting a semi-milestone birthday this year, and my life is not what I imagined it to be. I see friends who are married and wonder why them and not me? I have friends who have babies and kids and wonder why them and not me? I know deep down that God has a plan for my life that only he knows. But in the moment that I'm in right now, seeing life around me hurts. A lot. 

I love my job. I love my kindergarteners. I love my coworkers. I don't love what my kids see and hear in their short five years on earth. I'm angry with their situations. Angry that they can't all be loved and cared for in the way they need. Angry that I can't fill those gaps for them. Angry that some of them aren't read to, buckled into booster seats, and tucked in bed at night. My heart hurts for them. Our world is very broken. It's hard to see the toll that this brokenness brings on innocent children daily. Thankfully, they still have the ability to make me and my teacher BFF laughing most of the time. 

I would normally apologize for a "depressing" post. But today I'm not going to. This is me right now. Being honest and real. And angry...(insert tears here)