I'm Gonna Need a Really Big Ladder

I'm in a hole. A deep, deep hole. A hole that I don't see getting out of easily.

I'm sooooo over being sick. I just want it to go away. I want out of the hole. Now. In the instant gratification world that we live in, chronic illnesses are a challenge. There is no "magic pill" or "quick fix" for what I am dealing with. I would pay big bucks if it were that easy.

I know it isn't going to be easy. The past 18 months have been anything but easy. I can't "pull myself up by my bootstraps" and magically lose all this weight or magically feel better. I know I can't do it by myself. I need help. That's where the big ladder comes into the picture. I need a ladder that I cannot get alone. I need God's constant help and presence. I need friends. I need prayers to get me out of this hole. Or at least to a place where I can see the light. 

I'd hoped that these two weeks off from school would be relaxing and I would see some relief in symptoms. Well, that didn't happen. My swelling has been out of control. My stomach, chin, lips, forehead, arms, and feet have been swelling a lot. 

I've had some weird reactions lately. Reactions to smells. Perfume, cleaners, sanitizer, candles, and much more. I've gotten used to reacting to some things (foods) and then, bam, here's something new to avoid. 

With the New Year upon us, I'm not one for making resolutions. I have a hard time keeping them. The one that I did keep was three years ago. I joined Weight Watchers and started a couch to 5k with my best friend. We diligently met in the freezing weather to "run". We pushed each other and got pretty far with our goal. I ran a 5k in April of that year and that was when lost the majority of my weight. It's easier to be accountable when you have a friend along with you. 

I'm feel like I'm alone in this fight sometimes. I know I have an awesome mom, super supportive friends, understanding co-workers, and Facebook groups with people who struggle with my condition. But, I'm still alone. No one knows what it feels like to swell out of your clothes/shoes. No one feels the swelling in their stomach so much that they can't eat or drink because they're so swollen. No one feels the paralyzingly pain of being in one position for too long. No one knows how I long to be the Katie that I was 18 months ago. 

I know my blog isn't the most upbeat piece of reading material, but it helps me. Having an "invisible illness" is hard. People who don't know my daily struggle probably just think I'm one of those people who couldn't keep off the weight she lost. I don't look sick. But looks can be deceiving. 

Thank you for caring and praying for me. Your support means more than you know.