I often preach to my kids that "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". I say it at least 3 times a day. And some situations that I've encountered lately make me want to say this to adults. This post has been a while coming. But it's a touchy subject with me.
I'm going to flashback to last May at the Kidney Walk in Atlanta. We walk every year to honor my sister-in-law who has had two kidney transplants. This is a picture of me from last May.
I have struggled with my weight since I was a teenager. I am an emotional eater and have had to overcome a lot of issues to get to a place where I was ready to lose the weight. I had worked VERY hard to lose weight for over a year and a half.
And then came the chronic idiopathic urticaria angioedema...this condition comes with many challenges and side effects. Many of the meds cause weight gain and/or make weight loss hard. Not to mention the angioedema (swelling) that is constantly changing where my body swells.
Ok, now that you have some more background of the last year of my life, I'll get to the point. I have gained most of the weight back over this time. Long-term steroids (8 months) and high-dose antihistamines (400+ mg a day) make it nearly impossible to lose weight. And since this has been such an emotional roller coaster, I haven't been the best eater either.
Yesterday at field day I had a parent ask me, "What happened to your legs? I mean...you used to be skinny." Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I started to explain that I have this condition called chronic idiopathic...and she starts laughing. It was either finishing the urticaria angioedema part or the crushed look on my face that made her realize I wasn't making this up. I proceeded to explain (as well as I can explain) what is going on with me medically.
That conversation took me back to another one that I had during spring break. A friend and I were grabbing lunch at a local restaurant (a treat for a teacher!) and we ran into a parent of one of my students from last year. She looked at me and asked, "Why do you look so chunky?" As I got the words "condition" and "chronic" out of my mouth, I knew continuing to explain would be a waste of breath. She didn't believe or want to hear about my problems. I later asked my friend if I had heard the parent correctly. I was thinking maybe I'd misheard what she said. Nope, I hadn't. She had said it. I was shocked. Why would someone say something like that?
These are two situations of many that make me want to stay at home. To avoid people who don't know what I'm going through. Chronic idiopathic urticaria angioedema is often classified as an "invisible disease" because most of the time you wouldn't know there was anything wrong with me unless you know what to look for.
People need to think before they speak. I'm guilty of it as well, but this experience has definitely challenged me to be more sensitive. You never know what is going on in a person's life. You don't know the struggles they face alone. I'm blessed to have understanding family, caring coworkers, and great friends.
But these words still hurt. I cannot exercise a lot (much at all) because my body has trouble regulating its temperature. This adds more fuel to the fire of not being able to lose the weight.
I'm praying that the Xolair will start to work soon and allow me to begin an exercise plan again. I miss riding my bike and running. But being outside just doesn't agree with my body right now.
This post is meant to help people understand that they really do need to think before they speak. And I hope that it gives you some insight into why I haven't been out a lot. I'm struggling with much more than just the weight gain, but that is what people can see.
Thanks for taking the time to read this post! It was a hard one to write.
Katie, it took a lot of inner strength to write this!! I so admire you for doing this. Hopefully, it will give you some inner peace and give others the knowledge and understanding of what you are going through. Prayers to you!!
ReplyDeleteThank you! :)
DeleteBlogging can be so liberating, and you said things that so many people need to hear. It baffles me that people can be so thoughtless in their comments to others. Good for you for rising above it and realizing that their ignorance could be a jumping off point to educate others. More power to you dc
ReplyDeleteDang...I get those comments, and I don't have any excuse to give! My favorite, said with an excess amount of sarcasm, was, "What do you tell people when they ask you if you're pregnant?" By the way, this was after I had lost weight! haha
ReplyDeleteSeriously, my mom suffered the other side of a weight issue, as she was painfully thin...which also indicated a socioeconomic level.
Words are the worst of weapons, and unfortunately, we all use them incorrectly....usually without a mean spirit, just lack of thoughtfulness. I often think of past comments made to me, even as a child, that I vividly remember to this day (and, we won't mention just how long ago THAT was!). I cringe when I realize that somewhere, at some point, I, too, have most likely made a comment that someone remembers decades later. I try to forgive myself as I try to forgive those whose words have stung my heart. We are so, so imperfect.
That all being said, KatieBug, I love you to pieces and keep you in my prayers! You are a wonderful, brilliant, and beautiful young woman and have blessed so many, especially all your peeps and little 'friends'! This has been a difficult period for you, but the strength I see in this post shows me that you are far from giving up or giving in, my friend! You are strong, and you will beat this! God has a reason for your journey. Now, you must trust Him.
Finally! The suspense was killing me. Ooooh I got so mad reading this. Dealing with parents is one of the hardest parts of the job, but I've never felt insulted by one. I'm so sorry that you were told that. I think you are beautiful no matter what, and I just hope that you aren't freezing all the time like you were last year. Your weight is the last thing you should be thinking about, but I get it. I'm gaining weight too (just getting older I guess) and having to think about dieting and exercise which is new to me. Sometimes, I feel like there is no going back and I should just stock up on some larger, maybe elastic pants. But, when I do exercise, I feel like I'm at least containing the situation. We women just need to remind each other that we are beautiful as long as we are taking good care of ourselves. Somethings are out of our control, but nothing is out of His. :D Love ya much Katie Bug. Keep writing, sharing, and venting. We all need it!
ReplyDelete