Sticks and Stones

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me." We've all heard this saying. It's a lie. It's crap. Words hurt. Spoken and written words hurt. People may not mean for their words to hurt. But they do. A lot. 

Recently, I've been having an extra tough time. Many things are looming over me as I try to wrap my head around the daily changing "unicorns" and how to get myself back to normal. I don't know if it's the fact that I've been dealing with this so long that people think I'm better. Maybe I don't look sick. In some aspects I am better and I am worse in others. 

People don't see my daily struggle to just get out of bed. Literally. They don't witness my morning routine of trying on different shirts, pants, socks, and shoes to see which fit that day and which won't irritate my skin and make me more miserable. I'm sure that people wonder why I get to wear loose, comfy clothes. I have a medical condition, that's why!!!0!! I don't want to play the sick card, but I will. (I can feel my face swelling as I type this...it stresses me out)

I came across this article via Pinterest. 

I'm not fancy enough to know how to make the picture take you to the link. So here it is:

http://invisibleillnessweek.com/2012/09/06/i-am-not-a-slob-i-have-an-invisible-illness/ 

The author and I have different autoimmune disorders, but experience the same things. 

I have mentioned before that my condition developed from an unknown allergic trigger and that I had just accomplished losing a ton of weight. I was starting to enjoy shopping (in the normal people sized section) when the "unicorns" came into my life. I had a ton of cute clothes to choose from in the morning. Lots of different pants and tops. I still have all of these clothes...packed away because it hurts too much to see them hanging in the closet. I've packed clothes away three different times. And each one was harder than the first. 

Shopping now is torture. I despise the sizes I have to buy. I'm literally almost in tears each time I try something on in the dressing room. I swore to myself when I lost all the weight before that I would NEVER buy these size clothes again. Yet, here I am buying even bigger sizes because my abdominal swelling is so unpredictable. 

I'll go ahead and answer the questions that you probably have. 1) Exercise exacerbates my swelling because I get hot and swell and have a hard time recovering from it. 2) I was on high dose prednisone (steroids) for 8 months. It is notorious for weight gain. 3) I'm currently on high dose antihistamines and they make it difficult to lose weight. Three strikes right there. I could go on and on. 

I avoid going places because I don't have the "appropriate" clothes to wear. Or because I am so disgusted with the way that I look. I know it's wrong. But it's the truth. 

As 2015 approaches, I am "resolving" to improve my appearance by improving my health and, hopefully, the "unicorns" will fall in line too! Look for me in all the new clothes that "Santa" (aka my mom) bought me for Christmas since I spend all my money on doctor's co-pays and prescriptions...