Not in a Good Place

"Not in a good place" is a term I've used to describe how I am doing to 3+ friends over the past few days. Somehow, "not in a good place" sounds better than I'm in a bad place. But I am in a bad place. That place being life right now. 

Today I am 60 weeks into my life-changing diagnosis. I've now entered a new phase since my last resort (cyclosporine) didn't work. That phase is waiting. Waiting for the symptoms to subside. Waiting to cut back on my amounts of antihistamines and other prescriptions. Waiting for remission. I've heard the statistic that "most" people go into remission in 1 to 5 years. I'm not "most" people. My symptoms and reactions to medications are atypical. That makes me wonder if I will be atypical in duration of this condition until remission. Ugh. 

I have been very depressed lately. That is hard to admit, but sadly very true. I'm depressed about my weight gain, symptoms, and overall life. I don't want my life to be controlled by when I have to take my next round of medications, what I can't eat for fear of anaphylaxis, and the weight that I have gained. 

It's hard to go places because I'm afraid people will just think that I couldn't keep off the weight and just got fat again. I avoid places that don't involve the people closest to me. The ones who know my constant struggle to be normal. I avoid church, high school reunions, and just regular outings. I fought the battle of weight already. And I won big! I don't feel like I should have to fight it again. I don't know if I have another fight in me. 

Chronic illnesses and pain are no joke. They put a damper on every aspect of someone's life. And on the lives of those closest to them. 

I would love to write a post about how I spent my Fall Break at the beach or somewhere fun, but I can't. I can't risk traveling. What if I react to something? What if my throat starts to close up and I'm not near a hospital? What if I get too hot and swell more? I still sleep on the air mattress on my bed for the "inner tube of swelling". And I've added a large roll under my legs to try to prevent the paralyzing pain that happens while I sleep. I cannot sleep in a regular bed which makes traveling even harder. I can't sit in the car (or anywhere) for an extended period of time. Life is so different than it used to be. I know I shouldn't live/dwell in the past, but that is easier said than done. 

I have seen a slight decrease in symptoms since I've been home this week. Staying in bed and watching TV isn't stressful at all! Getting out of the house brings out my swelling, hivey episodes. But I can't stay home forever. 

My #100happydays challenge on Instagram has helped me find positive things that happen in my life. Some days  it's harder to find the happy than others. 

All these things said, I will keep going. I'm searching hard for the strength to continue to hope for remission. I appreciate your prayers and support and apologize for my "down in the dumps" post. I'm just keepin it real...