Lost

Miserable. That pretty much sums up how I feel today. 

Yesterday we went to Turner Field for the Atlanta Kidney Walk. We walk in honor of my sister-in-law who has undergone two kidney transplants and her mom and brother who each gave her a kidney! It's such an amazing story of love. And I'm going to put in a shameless plug for being an organ donor!! You never know how many lives you could save!!

I didn't want to miss the walk, but wasn't sure how my body would handle the heat and exercise. So, we went. My mom and I only made it one lap around Turner Field before my lips and face were swelling. Took my trusty 4 teaspoons of Benadryl and we decided to head back home. 

On I-75 I suddenly had that creeping feeling that swallowing was not as easy as it should be. Nothing like being on the interstate away from home to add some stress to the situation. Thankfully it was time for my afternoon meds and they helped the swelling in my throat go down. Then I noticed the swelling in my abdomen was worse than normal. It was about twice as swollen as it normally is. That brought out fear and anger. 

Swollen skin feels different than regular skin. It can hurt. Bad. It's a bit jigglier (I may have just made up that word...) than regular skin. Overall, it's very uncomfortable. I went to sleep hoping the swelling would go down. But it didn't. 

Woke up this morning and felt a little better than yesterday but still über swollen. I was determined to go to church today. I've only been 5-6 times over the past 10 months. Mostly because when I was working, the weekends would hit me hard and I'd be too exhausted to do anything. And because before this blog and before I mentioned the Unicorns on Facebook, only those closest to me knew what was going on. My coworkers knew, my family and some close friends knew but I wasn't ready for the world to know. I realized that in order to make it easier for me to try and "re-enter" my world, people needed to know. 

I know a lot of people read my blog and that makes me glad that they get a glimpse into my world and, sadly, most of the time it's not a happy place. I've written before about not wanting to be a "downer" on this blog, but I will be honest. 

I spoke with my pastor a few months back about how church was one of the places that it was hardest for me to go back to. It's nothing against my church family, I just wasn't ready. I don't like to say I am sick. Even though I am. There are people who deal with medical issues that are WAY worse than what I face and I don't want to downplay any of that! 

If I knew some of my closest friends were not going to church, then I wouldn't go. I needed their comfort of knowing why I look the way I look and what I was going through. It's hard to give an answer to "how are you?" I am not good. I am swollen. I hurt. It took all my strength to come here. Most people don't want to hear those answers. Church is not the only place where I feel this way. It's pretty much anywhere with a lot of people (grocery store) or somewhere new and unknown. 

This morning I was also thrown the curveball of eyeball swelling. Sometimes the veins in my eyes swell, but this was different. I knew from a past (pre-unicorn) allergic reaction that the lining of your eyeball can swell. It's pretty nasty, so I'll save you from seeing the pictures. But it was maddening to have that new swell this morning. Thankfully it went back to its normal size after some allergy eye drops. 

I sucked it up and went to church this morning. And I'm glad I did. I knew my friend and her husband were going and that made me feel better. I needed to be there this morning. I needed to sing praise songs and worship with my church family. I needed to hear God's word and hear my pastor's sermon. I was pretty close to a meltdown while I was getting ready for church - nothing fits, I look terrible, this looks stupid, etc. I was definitely in a better place after church. 

All this to be said, one of the main things I struggle with is the swelling/weight gain. The swelling/weight gain is the outer view of what I deal with. It's hard to look back a year and see the person who was just beginning to be comfortable with who she was after a lot of weight loss. It's hard to look at a closet full of clothes (in various sizes) that I can not wear. It hurts. I wish I could rewind and go back a year. Go and find that person and be her again. I pray that I will find her again. Not because she was skinny, but because she was confident and more outgoing. I need to find her.